Life has been hard since april. My mother past away at the age of 50 from copd, April 5th. The day before my birthday. I can honestly say that this year was the worst birthday ever. My heart is broken to such a deep degree that i am having a hard time functioning. I keep serving people with the hope that my berden will be lightened. I cant say it had lightened the pain and anger I feel but it has helped me to not focus on myself and bring reliefe to my friends and family. I know my mother is better off and I also know that I shouldnt be angry but i cant help it. While my mother was alive i couldnt see her for the angelic person she was but instead the parent who cause a lot of pain. My mom died being used and abused, when she deserved so much more. Its hard for me to also not be angry with her because she left me with family who hates me. i miss her so much and only want to see her one more time to know that she is happy and safe. I never knew how much i loved her. It feels like people feel that I should be over her death by now and return to life but i cant I'm still copping with her not being here any more, i keep picking up the phone to call her to tell her that my family and I are moving into a house, but remember last min that she wont pick up, i wont hear her voice again on the other side of the line. people tell me to not feel that way that i do and the only thing i want to say to them is to SHUT UP!!!!!!!! but i dont i put on a tight fake smile and bridle my toung praying that they will leave me alone.